Further bull from My Holiness: new religion

for Jason

I realize one of my previous posts may have seemed a bit anti-religion. Maybe it’s important to clarify: I’m not anti-religion. I’m anti-human-beings-as-interpreters-of-messages-no-one-else-can-hear-but-which-give-them-the-idea-that-what-they-think-is-right-should-be-what-everyone-does.

Hmm. No, there are still a couple of… well… okay.

I don’t like “con’s” without corollary “pro’s,” though. It’s far too easy to bitch and moan without suggesting a solution, an alternative or at least a palliative. So after years of research (and that part’s true), I’ve put together what I consider the most universally workable, humane, loving messages from every major religion and laboriously conflated them into a modest proposal for an entirely new creed:

The Church of Don’t Be an Asshole.

I’m still working out the details, of course, but here’s what I’ve got so far.

The Confessional: people need to vent. It’s easier in a dark private place with someone whose opinion is neutral – ask any hooker getting out of a car off Sunset. As a holy confessor, my role would be to constantly and gently guide the needy back to our central belief and suggest ways to realign ourselves spiritually with The Eternal Force Who Is Not A Jerk. Something like this… (dream music)

Random Guilty Conscience: Help me, you, for I feel like an asshole.

Me: What seems to be the problem?

RGC: So, I was dating this guy… I think he really loved me and things were great, but then I met this much hotter guy at a bar and hooked up with him.

Me: Ah. You had sex with him (notice my firm grasp of modern youth vernacular – very important). Questionable move.

RGC: Yeah, well, but I really liked him, and he was soooo hot. So I kind of dumped my boyfriend.

Me: You traded up based on one night of sex? Dumb move. But go on, my child.

RGC: Yeah, right? But he was so sweet that night… anyway, when I texted “Doormat” and told him we were over, he was so upset that I just kind of avoided him for the next few days…

Me: Holy Whoa, my child. You texted him to end the relationship?

RGC: Yeah, well…

Me: And didn’t even have the decency to face him?

RGC: Well, sort of…

Me (thunderously): ASSHOLE MOVE, MY CHILD.

RGC (quiet sobbing): I know! I know! And now he won’t even let me apologize! He won’t talk to me!

Me: Then leave him alone and give him time to think and recover.

RGC: But I love him!

Me: Then put aside your guilt and your need for selfish comfort and let him heal.

RGC: But I… I want him back! (wailing, gnashing of veneers, tearing of highlights)

Me (in the quiet tones of the gathering of the righteous storm): You are… available, my child? Where is Mr. Hot’n'Sweet now?

RGC (whispering): He didn’t work out.

Note: This is where we get to the true “pastoral care” biznatch. TCODBAA doesn’t have penance or excommunication, because those are kind of asshole moves that shift responsibility. Instead, watch as the lamb is led gently back to the fold…

Me: So, my child, allow me to wrap my head around this. Disregarding honesty, history and decency, you attempted in an ASSHOLE way to make an ASSHOLE play for an ASSHOLE whom you considered a boost to your ASSHOLE ego. When he in turn and quite predictably behaved like an ASSHOLE, you attempted to pull another ASSHOLE move and reattach the nice guy to whom you had behaved like a complete and utter… say it with me, child…

RGC: ASSHOLE! (sobbing) Yes! Yes! And now I feel like shit!

Me: Yes, my child. You should.

RGC: Wha- what?

Me: You behaved like an asshole. You’re not a sociopath. You feel awful.

RGC: Help me!

Me: Help you what?

RGC: I – I don’t know. Help me feel better! Tell me what to do!

Me: Yea, verily, my child, do you not recall the First and Only Commandment of TEFWINAJ?

RGC: You mean, “Thou shalt not behave like an asshole?”

Me: There’s your answer.

RGC: I don’t understand.

Me: Yes, you do. You just don’t want to. But lemme ’splain anyway. No, lemme sum up (a little pastoral humor, there).You treated someone like dirt. You were treated like dirt. As is our human wont, you attempted to assuage your feelings of rage and hurt by once again attempting to treat someone like dirt, because that’s what makes us feel temporarily better…

RGC: But I love him!

Me: Well, sucks to be you, huh? The worm has turned, the doormat has flipped, and you’re the one with old gum and dog crap on your face. Think, child. Think as The Eternal would have us think. What would be the NON-asshole move now?

RGC (hesitantly): To… to leave him alone?

Me: Good, good. And?

RGC: To… not do that again?

Me: Good! Good for the spirit, good for the common sense. Leave him the hell alone, get on with your life, and get a goddamned STD test.

RGC: Yes, Your Holiness.

Me: And commit to your heart the Eighteenth Adjunct to the Seventh Proviso of the Holy Creed.

RGC: What?

Me: “One Fuck Does Not a Boyfriend Make,” my child. Go in peace. And Don’t Be an Asshole.

RGC: I Shall Not Be an Asshole.

(dream music)

Tomorrow: Alternatives to Excommunication; or, Public Shaming Without The Guilt.