Working my way back into posting

Tough, because most of the things on my mind are related to awful family matters – which wouldn’t have been a problem several months ago, but now some of my kinfolk actually read this thing. But I miss the outlet, and now that some of the shock and stress has dissipated, it feels a little more natural again.The other thing I want to start doing is commenting regularly on the blogs I read. I hadn’t realized until the last few weeks how much this network connects me with some truly fabulous people, and really, I’d like to be a better member of the community. Plus my tags need some serious help…

Anyway, since digging around in the muck and sewage of my deepest fears is way fucking exhausting, I thought I’d make a list (love lists) of my lesser fears, from phobias to mere shudders.

The bitch is BACK.

Maybe it was the successful Christmas pudding (more on that later).

Maybe it was the continued outpouring (inpouring?) of lurv and support from my grrls and my dollfriends and my Scrogues and everyone.

Maybe I’m just sick of my morbid, joy-sucking self.

Or maybe… it was this:

Avoidance

Last week Nora had an exam with a pediatric ophthalmologist, Dr. M___. (note: somehow we have lucked into the elite group of pediatric specialists here in town; the ones who, when you mention their names, people say “how did you get in?” or “wow, s/he’s the best”) He diagnosed her ever-diminishing eye flicker, confirmed that her smaller range of focus might indeed be a factor in her late walking leading to late talking blah blah blah, and told us that it was imperative that we determine exactly when the nystagmus (googly eye) had first appeared. Before four months: congenital, not a problem, eventually correctable if it persists or bothers her. After four months: acquired, due to an underlying condition, usually a brain tumor or lesion of the central nervous system.

Nora has googly eyes

Technically, she has congenital nystagmus, which is already fading away. But it’s good to know the prognosis and that there are treatments if it persists; for now, we just let ‘em wiggle. It may well be a contributing factor to her late walking, which very likely affected her late talking, which may… oh what the hell.

I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of that any more. Because today, before it was ruled out, I heard the words “possible brain tumor or lesion” in relation to my daughter’s health. And I am different now.