Sudden Revelations – 37 Years of “Duh” Moments

 

(a work in progress)

1. Everything dies. (age 6)

reaction: horror, obsessing over future deaths of loved ones

2. Eternity never stops. (age 10)

reaction: horror, nightly attempts to grasp the size of eternity

3. Orgasms are great. (age mumble mumble)

reaction: joy, bliss

4. Orgasms are self-achievable. (age about five hours after mumble mumble)

reaction: Christmas morning every day

5. The Village People were gay. (age 19)

reaction: satisfying feeling of pieces falling into place, cognitive harmony, worlds meshing, “duh”

6. THAT’S what these are for. (age 20)

reaction: recurring gleeful use of cleavage to obtain free drinks, cigarettes, entry into clubs

7. Naming your shit doesn’t excuse it. (age 21)

reaction: intellectual understanding, little actual change in behavior

8. Tanning is unnecessary. (age 23)

reaction: annoying zeal of the recently converted, skimpy clothing

9. Crazy people with complementary neuroses: love might work out. The exact same neuroses: fatal. (age 24ish?)

reaction: completely irrational hope dying a long lingering death

10. Those people on Sunset are prostitutes. (age 24)

reaction: abrupt shift of world view, curiosity as to where they shop

11. That coked-up girl with the old man at Tatou is a prostitute. (age 24)

reaction: pride at recognition skills, severely skeeved out

12. This music producer I just met wants to “keep” me. (age 25)

reaction: disgust, happiness at ability to feel disgusted, fleeting thought of new Benz and a platinum card, determined disgust

13. Potential counts for nothing. (age 25)

reaction: uh-oh, end of psychosocial moratorium

14. Psychodrama: boring when too often repeated. (age 25)

reaction: now what will I do for fun?

15. I’m a good teacher. (age 25)

reaction: pride, sense of purpose, ego inflation, good-bye to idle thoughts of new Benz

16. Holy crap, my metabolism has changed. (age 26)

reaction: reluctant good-bye to more than two drinks in an evening; fleeting thoughts of exercise and diet

17. You can’t fix willful ignorance. (age 30ish)

reaction: cessation of beating head against various walls; fewer headaches; continuing irritation

18. I’m not crazy. (age 29)

reaction: intense, unimaginable relief

19. It’s a good plan, but I don’t really want to kill myself. (age 35)

reaction: immediate phone calls to husband, mother, shrink, sister-in-law; subsequent treatment for postpartum depression; apology to depressive brother for never really “getting it”

20. Parenting books are the tools of Satan. (age 35)

reaction: sweep of the house; clandestine ordering of yet another parenting book

21. My kid is an odd duck, but not deficient. Just odd. (age 36)

reaction: dramatically increased enjoyment of child; family mockery of child’s oddities begins; intense bonding